Monday, February 23, 2009

KILLER SPIDER!!!

Saturday I went to my sister-in-law's house to do laundry because they were out of town. Sunday morning I realized that I left a very important piece of clothing over there, and so Jeremy had to go back to get it. While he was gone, I jumped in the shower. I had my towel on the towel rack over the toilet so I could grab it when I got out (reasonable place for a towel, I think). Keep in mind, that no one wears their glasses in the shower. I'm all clean. I rip open the shower curtain, and I grab my towel. While I grab my towel, I can see that there is a spider on the ceiling just above it. Let me explain to you that my vision is bad. It is so bad that I have to buy small frames if I don't want to be wearing Coke bottles. While I could not see the detail, I could tell that this was a spider.

With eight legs.

If I could see eight legs, this thing was a MONSTER! Let me also alliterate my irrational phobia of all things eight-legged: When I was a teenager I went to close the curtains in my house, and as I reached up I almost touched a big bellied spider that had made a house behind the curtain during the day. I had an anxiety attack right then and there and my poor little brother was all alone with me, and was trying to talk me out of the hyperventilation and hysterical tears to no avail. Spiders freak me out!

So there I am, naked, wet, blind and vulnerable all alone in my tiny bathroom with a monster, bloodsucking, eight-legged, beast. I wrap the towel around myself and grab my glasses. Bad choice....now I can see this sucker! It's worse than I had even imagined! And it started to dangle with all those gross legs splaying out everywhere!! ::shudder:: If I had been a minute later getting out of my shower, that thing probably would have been on my towel when I grabbed it and started rubbing it on my body! AAAAAAAAAH!! ::double-shudder!:: By now, I am screaming like the girl in Psycho, and Launa is in her bed laughing hysterically. I can't think or dry myself with this monster in the room with me, I have to get out! So I grab my stuff and run to my bedroom to dry off and regroup.

I'm dry, I have my robe on so I'm no longer naked and vulnerable, and I have my glasses on, so I can see my nemesis. I know that only one of us will make it out of that bathroom alive, because as terrified of the invader as I am, it is not going to be allowed to escape and make millions more of itself! (And anyway, if I don't know where it is, I'll have to worry about if it's still in the bathroom while I'm finishing my hair and makeup, and getting the kids through the tub. And I'll have to worry about it in the future, wondering where it ran off to, and how many babies it's made so far.) But when I get back to the bathroom, I can't find it! It's not on the ceiling! Daniel found it! Next to the plunger, which is hanging out between the toilet and the bathtub.

Decision time:

What is the best way to get this monster? What if I make a move, and it runs away? How can I do this most efficiently, without the spider getting away? My plunger lives in a little thing that keeps me from having to put my dirty plunger on the floor. I wonder if I could lift the plunger and put it on top of the spider before it runs off? Then I could just have Jeremy kill it when he gets back! But could I move it fast enough that the spider won't get away? What if it runs to the corner and I can't get it with my shoe? While I'm debating, the worst happens! The spider runs to the corner where I can't get it with shoe or plunger! Now what? I whack at it with the plunger, but it's a clever foe. It knows I can't get it, so it stays put. If only I had some spider spray! But I don't! (Mental note: this whole scene could have been avoided if I only had some bug spray! Pick some up at the store today.) Daniel, ever loyal and at my side, is dispatched to the kitchen to "Get the broom!" Which he finds quickly and promptly brings to me. I wrap toilet paper on the end of the handle, and make quick work of the enemy!

Yay for me! I killed a spider!

But not before totally traumatizing my children, who are now afraid of spiders in the bathroom. Just then, Jeremy walks in the front door. (Okay, really it was about 20 minutes later, but it sounds better this way.) And I asked him to clean up the guts (...because I couldn't handle them. One step at a time, alright? Yeesh!). Which he did.

You may now call me: Mary, the Giant Bloodthirsty Spindly-legged Spider Vanquisher! Oh and the "Giant, Bloodthirsty, Spindly-legged" part is in reference to the spider, not to myself. Just thought I'd clarify the title.


UPDATE: I was just in the car with Jeremy and Launa to pick Daniel up from school. All of a sudden, a little bitty spider climbed up my window on the inside! I grabbed a tissue to kill it, because I am way less afraid of tiny spiders. I went at the spider and..........I missed!! I can't believe it! The spider starts dangling from the tissue, which I instinctually toss to the floorboards! But I miss again and the tissue, with the spider attached, lands on my legs!! NO!!!!! I drop the tissue on the floorboards and start to smash the heck out of it with my feet. I don't know if I got the spider. It's probably still alive and hanging out under my seat. Or maybe it's still hiding in the folds of my jeans...

18 comments:

lizS said...

lol! it was funny the first time you told me, and it's still funny. i just can't fathom your bizarre fear of spiders. you are SO MUCH BIGGER than them, lol! you're the best.

Anonymous said...

I know it's ridiculous and irrational, but I can't help my visceral reaction to them! They just freak me out!

theefxman said...

Which would you rather deal with coming out of the shower. A Giant spider or a Monster Liberal?

Rob

Your Favorite, and Mine - Mary said...

Monster Liberal with a camera any day.

timpani76 said...

I had to deal with a ridiculous amount of spiders when I lived at home because I lived in the basement bedroom. I'm really sensitive to spider bites (the non-poisonous kind) and I would get sick all the time from that.

I still make Erik kill the spiders though ;)

Bill Crank said...

Mary,

You should can the legal training and begin writing short stories. It was extremely entertaining though a bit embellished probably.

Your Favorite, and Mine - Mary said...

Aww, that's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, Dad-in-law! I am thinking about getting my BA in English; or poli-sci. That would be cool too. (It was only a little embellished, but the full truth is not as entertaining.)

T- I lived in a basement for a while too, but my sister lived in there with me, so she had to kill the creepy-crawlies. And she's the one sensitive to spider bites! (Do yours get giant and puss filled?)

Renae said...

Ha Ha ha!!

Bruce said...

the spider in your car most likly lived and is growing, as we speek, into giant statis. and holding a grudge for you trying to kill it. just a thought. your welcom.

Stacey said...

Mary,Dad is right, you should really be a writer as you are a great story teller. ;)
I completely understand your fear of spiders. I am terrified of them. I remember when we lived in Illinois and Chris was at work, I would call mom and dad to come over and kill a spider because I was afraid I would miss and it would land on me. I know that it was crazy. I remember one time, I found one of the cats batting at something and was horrified to find that it was a huge spider, the biggest that I had ever encountered. My cat seemed to stun it enough that it did not move, but I was still afraid of it, and I put a bowl over it so Chris could kill it when he got home. When it started to tap on the bowl I freaked out and found some cleaning stuff that I had and sprayed it with it, hoping that it would kill it or at least weaken it so that it would die. Anyway, I know a long story, but I am a huge chicken of them, and I know that it is insane to be so, but I totally feel your pain.:)

Your Favorite, and Mine - Mary said...

LOL Stace! You would call your parents to drive 1/2 hour to kill a spider for you.....and they would DO it?! ROFL! I can kill a spider if it is on the floor and I know I can get it with one stomp. But if I think it's going to move, then I chicken out! Also, I can't look at it for too long, or I psyche myself out and can't do it.

I am a little offended though that your dad thinks I would embellish a story to make it better. The only embellishments were clearly noted in the story. The rest is the honest truth. That spider was going to get me! It wanted to wrap me in its' web to save for later so it could suck my guts at its' leisure. Don't think that it didn't either. It told me that it wanted to do that to me! So I was really scared for the kids! (Call me a liar, will ya?)

Bruce, thanks for the comforting thought. You're a real pal.

timpani76 said...

Mary, the spider bites would just leave little red dots, but then I would get nauseated and weak the next day so much that I had to stay in bed.

The biggest spiders I ever saw were at girls camp one year. They were called "mountain spiders" and you could hear them crawling across the top of the tents because their legs were so big. Yuck!

Your Favorite, and Mine - Mary said...

Oh my goodness! That sounds so horrible! Where did you go to girls camp? I would be calling my parents to come get me. Or I would have gotten right back onto the bus an refused to leave. I would not have been able to handle that.

I had a boyfriend once that told me about this one time when he was playing video games, he thought he felt his dog licking his hand, but when he looked down it was a huge spider! He flicked it off, and heard it land with a thud on the carpet across the room, then heard it walk away. ::shudder:: Really...eew!

Your Favorite, and Mine - Mary said...

Ooh T! I just looked up "mountain spider" and if it's the same as the spider in this video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OXcva-QDwk

I would have not been able to take it! Climbing on your tents at night! AAAAAH! I would not be sleeping that's for sure.

Anonymous said...

Mary,
Hairspray works well at slowing creepy creatures down. It gums them up and buys you time to take adeep breath and move in for the kill! Works great with spiders and winged creatures alike. It's there by default if you encounter scarey things in the bathroom. It's also there when you travel. Ask Adam(Smith)about tree roaches in TX... They haul trees around on their backs. Carry them from one side of the yard to the other and back again!
Love Ya! Aunt K

Your Favorite, and Mine - Mary said...

Mental note: Buy some hairspray.



Yes, I am sadly lacking in personal care items.

Bruce said...

we had black widow spiders on our tents one year at scout camp.

Your Favorite, and Mine - Mary said...

My dad's been bit by black widows a few times in his life. He said they give him an intense headache, and make him feel really rotten, but that's about it. Still, I don't think I'll ever go outside again after this conversation.