Saturday I went to my sister-in-law's house to do laundry because they were out of town. Sunday morning I realized that I left a very important piece of clothing over there, and so Jeremy had to go back to get it. While he was gone, I jumped in the shower. I had my towel on the towel rack over the toilet so I could grab it when I got out (reasonable place for a towel, I think). Keep in mind, that no one wears their glasses in the shower. I'm all clean. I rip open the shower curtain, and I grab my towel. While I grab my towel, I can see that there is a spider on the ceiling just above it. Let me explain to you that my vision is bad. It is so bad that I have to buy small frames if I don't want to be wearing Coke bottles. While I could not see the detail, I could tell that this was a spider.
With eight legs.
If I could see eight legs, this thing was a MONSTER! Let me also alliterate my irrational phobia of all things eight-legged: When I was a teenager I went to close the curtains in my house, and as I reached up I almost touched a big bellied spider that had made a house behind the curtain during the day. I had an anxiety attack right then and there and my poor little brother was all alone with me, and was trying to talk me out of the hyperventilation and hysterical tears to no avail. Spiders freak me out!
So there I am, naked, wet, blind and vulnerable all alone in my tiny bathroom with a monster, bloodsucking, eight-legged, beast. I wrap the towel around myself and grab my glasses. Bad choice....now I can see this sucker! It's worse than I had even imagined! And it started to dangle with all those gross legs splaying out everywhere!! ::shudder:: If I had been a minute later getting out of my shower, that thing probably would have been on my towel when I grabbed it and started rubbing it on my body! AAAAAAAAAH!! ::double-shudder!:: By now, I am screaming like the girl in Psycho, and Launa is in her bed laughing hysterically. I can't think or dry myself with this monster in the room with me, I have to get out! So I grab my stuff and run to my bedroom to dry off and regroup.
I'm dry, I have my robe on so I'm no longer naked and vulnerable, and I have my glasses on, so I can see my nemesis. I know that only one of us will make it out of that bathroom alive, because as terrified of the invader as I am, it is not going to be allowed to escape and make millions more of itself! (And anyway, if I don't know where it is, I'll have to worry about if it's still in the bathroom while I'm finishing my hair and makeup, and getting the kids through the tub. And I'll have to worry about it in the future, wondering where it ran off to, and how many babies it's made so far.) But when I get back to the bathroom, I can't find it! It's not on the ceiling! Daniel found it! Next to the plunger, which is hanging out between the toilet and the bathtub.
What is the best way to get this monster? What if I make a move, and it runs away? How can I do this most efficiently, without the spider getting away? My plunger lives in a little thing that keeps me from having to put my dirty plunger on the floor. I wonder if I could lift the plunger and put it on top of the spider before it runs off? Then I could just have Jeremy kill it when he gets back! But could I move it fast enough that the spider won't get away? What if it runs to the corner and I can't get it with my shoe? While I'm debating, the worst happens! The spider runs to the corner where I can't get it with shoe or plunger! Now what? I whack at it with the plunger, but it's a clever foe. It knows I can't get it, so it stays put. If only I had some spider spray! But I don't! (Mental note: this whole scene could have been avoided if I only had some bug spray! Pick some up at the store today.) Daniel, ever loyal and at my side, is dispatched to the kitchen to "Get the broom!" Which he finds quickly and promptly brings to me. I wrap toilet paper on the end of the handle, and make quick work of the enemy!
Yay for me! I killed a spider!
But not before totally traumatizing my children, who are now afraid of spiders in the bathroom. Just then, Jeremy walks in the front door. (Okay, really it was about 20 minutes later, but it sounds better this way.) And I asked him to clean up the guts (...because I couldn't handle them. One step at a time, alright? Yeesh!). Which he did.
You may now call me: Mary, the Giant Bloodthirsty Spindly-legged Spider Vanquisher! Oh and the "Giant, Bloodthirsty, Spindly-legged" part is in reference to the spider, not to myself. Just thought I'd clarify the title.
UPDATE: I was just in the car with Jeremy and Launa to pick Daniel up from school. All of a sudden, a little bitty spider climbed up my window on the inside! I grabbed a tissue to kill it, because I am way less afraid of tiny spiders. I went at the spider and..........I missed!! I can't believe it! The spider starts dangling from the tissue, which I instinctually toss to the floorboards! But I miss again and the tissue, with the spider attached, lands on my legs!! NO!!!!! I drop the tissue on the floorboards and start to smash the heck out of it with my feet. I don't know if I got the spider. It's probably still alive and hanging out under my seat. Or maybe it's still hiding in the folds of my jeans...