Monday, January 10, 2011

The Zombie Apocalypse

After hearing about "The Zombie Apocalypse" and watching enough zombie movies to be pretty much convinced that a Zombie Apocalypse is basically inevitable as scientists continue to play God, I have come to a decision.

I hope to be the first zombie.

Most people want to survive the Zombie Apocalypse. Many people want to kick the Zombie Apocalypse's butt. To many, being one of the last humans beats the alternative...becoming a zombie; or worse: becoming zombie food. In addition, there seems to be some kind of bragging rights involved in beating off zombies, and being one of the last human beings left on the planet.

I would submit to you, however, that being the first zombie is a far superior alternative.

First of all, becoming the first zombie means that you totally don't see it coming for you, so you have no dread of what might happen. One day you feel fine and the next, you are a mindless zombie, eating human flesh. This is admittedly not an appetizing idea, but certainly preferable to being terrified that you will become the aforementioned monster, or its meal, and THEN becoming such.

Second of all, how cool would it be to be the one that started it all?! I would go down in history!! "Patient Zero" has a really cool ring to it, and that could be me!

Third, and most important, I am much too lazy to have to spend so much of my day just trying to survive. I do not want to have to run from zombies, barricade myself against zombies, and become super-inventive in devising ways to obtain food without becoming the food myself. Please, just shoot me and get it over with. Or better yet, become the first zombie, and never have to worry about it!

Finally, I believe that surviving the Zombie Apocalypse is completely overrated. Once the zombies are vanquished, and you're left with only a handful of other people, then what? Your family is gone, there's no guarantee that you even LIKE the others that survived the Zombie Apocalypse with you, and, let's be honest, the smell would be overpowering.

That is why I want to be the first zombie in the Zombie Apocalypse.


Dana Cheryl said...

You've touched on a subject that is near and dear to my heart. Ever since my brother, cousins, and I watched Night of the Living Dead in the fifth grade we've been obsessed with the genre. To this day we still make plans for the Zombie Apocalypse during each and every family get together. However, we're on the other side... we're survivors. Ya know "Country Boys (and Girls) Can Survive" and all that...

It's the whole rebuilding humanity thing that I really like. I enjoy the creating process. The struggle to build upon better ideals. This is probably why I so enjoy post-apocalypic fare. (I just watched The Road last night.) There will always inevitably come a rebuilding of humanity although it may take a while.

However, I do see your point. We're all unique individuals (until we become zombies, of course) and I do understand that not everyone would enjoy the Zombie Apocalypse as I would.

If ya want I can be sure to find your zombie self and put an arrow through your brain (arrows are the very best zombie weapon since a gun is loud and might draw more zombies) just to be sure the job's done properly. :) I've got your back.

Mary said...

DC, you are a true friend. That you would come hunt me down specially to put me out of my misery touches me to my very (shallow) soul!

Notice, however, you're talking about country boys and girls being survivors. It comes back to a pride issue. Maybe my problem is that I have no pride, or my pride just isn't worth the trouble? I dunno.

I never thought of an arrow being the weapon of choice for zombie hunting, but it makes sense. Reloading could be a problem though, if you miss. Have you seen Zombieland? (Probably not - rated R.) The main character has a set of rules that he always obeys in order to stay on top of the zombies, and one of these rules is the "double tap" meaning always shoot the zombie twice, just to make sure it's not getting back up. What's your contingency plan if the arrow doesn't work quite as planned? Maybe you ought to rethink guns, but use silencing equipment.

My sister pointed out one glaring error in my plan to be the first zombie, and that is that I would be unable to protect my children from the zombies because I would be one. That is a problem. I could only hope that they'd be zombies 2 and 3 (maybe the zombie virus would be airborne, and only some people would be susceptible, a la 28 Days Later). Otherwise, maybe J could escape with them. (Note to self: Create Maryzombie escape plan for J and the kids...just in case!)

Honestly, my chances of surviving zombiehood are probably not great. Since I would be zombie numero uno, I'm guessing I'd probably be taken out pretty quickly. Another advantage to being Patient Zero.

It's funny, my mom read this post and said, "Well, I know where you get your outlook from. I've often thought of the Tribulation, and really hope that God takes us out first, because I don't want to endure that kind of hardship!" At least I got SOMETHING from my mother (you know, besides my good looks).

Actually, I'm pretty sure that I am a swirled-up mass of all of my parent's worst traits, while my sister is the conglomeration of their best traits. That's just how I roll! :P

timpani76 said...

I hate zombie movies. They're morbid, and yeah, I would survive because I'm meaner and smarter than a bunch of zombies, but it's just so depressing! Why don't you not be the first zombie, and Liz, John, Erik, and I will hit you on the head so that you can just be unconscious until we save you and your family from the zombies. We could start our commune in a zombie free zone, rebuild society the way we want it, etc. It could be good times!

Mary said...

That idea is appealing Timpani, but trying to protect my unconscious body for months and months would be a big drain on you while you're also trying to protect your own families.

Then, when it's finally safe for me to come around, I'll probably feel really bad for holding you back. Not to mention there might be some lingering resentment for taking care of me all those months. ...

But, as long as you promise not to hold it against me, I guess we could do that! ;) Can you make the smell less bad?